(Bigbone, KY) As the final lawsuits are being dismissed, a large payout awaits Kentucky resident Leo Sturbgetter, the one person who wagered on Kalshi - an events prediction site - that the death of Senator Lindsey Graham would not involve gay sex. Sturbgetter will receive over 23 million dollars after taxes.
(Austin, TX) As the Texas Legislature completes a 90-day special session protecting gun rights, emergency legislation protecting “the sanctity of marriage” is also now clear of the state house and moving to the Senate. The “No Squirt Act” defines use of a bidet as a forbidden sex act in the state, placing it on par with sodomy, incest, and use of condoms on a Sunday. The Senate appears poised to pass the measure.
After leaving pet food out on the porch overnight in hopes St. Jimothy soon would be there, one Ballard family woke up this morning to find he not only came but left them presents.
Despite President Trump giving everyone four days to highly anticipate and watch his primetime address Thursday night, the entire nation unfortunately missed the whole thing because Jimothy.
“You’ll recall that Graham once stated if Trump became the Republican nominee for president, ‘the party would be destroyed and they would deserve it’,” Mason said. “But ten years ago, he made a superseding deal to keep his senate seat in a pact signed in blood, which is generally how these things work.”
“There’s simply no way any of us could have predicted a Nazi SS guy with his eyeballs dangling out of his sockets and the Staff of Ra broiled into his flesh …
“If the Meal for Two remains reasonably priced, prosperity endures. If the price rises dramatically, civilization is in danger. It is a system with a proven …
The US Men’s World Cup loss to Belgium was completely ruined Monday night by perfect Seattle summer weather that made it impossible for fans to immediately indulge in any form of genuine self-pity.
After people all over the city couldn’t resist asking once noticing their remarkable resemblance, today Seattle’s Green Lake confirmed there is no relation between its iconically slimy green body of water and the Washington, D.C. Reflecting Pool.
“Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend …
“The last new building that was acceptable and necessary (my house) was completed four months ago, right when I moved here. Yet ever since, the township keep…
“After five rounds of interviews, three personality evaluations, a lie-detector test, electroshock therapy, and a metaphysical ascension into the unconscious…
Just as Egyptian and Iranian national soccer team officials had feared when they first learned they would be playing each other at Seattle’s World Cup Pride Match, a man waving a Pride flag like a magic wand accidentally turned both teams gay.
(Washington DC) After years of “if they go low, we go high,” Democratic lawmakers have begun reversing course, leaving Republicans in a panic. Last Friday, in response to Congressman Gary Palmer’s (R-AL) claim all Democrats want to hurt America, Eugene Vindman (D-VA) replied “well that’s not what your mom says, Gary. She likes us just fine.” Later, responding to Palmer’s outrage, saying his mother is in a grave in Alabama, Vindman doubled down. “Are you sure, Gary? Because that’s not what your mom says.” Palmer had no response.
(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.
(Bangor, Maine) Citing poor satisfaction among participants and facing multiple lawsuits, the Watchful Pussy Seeing Eye Cat Program is shutting down in Bangor, sources said Sunday. Participants say while the program has tried to be helpful, “cats just don’t care if you fall down,” as one blind participant said.
Just four months after Mayor Katie Wilson kicked off her Socialist reign of terror over Seattle with a Seahawks Super Bowl win, today Mayor Zohran Mamdani sent New York City’s sanity off a cliff with the Knicks’ first NBA Championship win in more than half a century.
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday.
“We weren’t sure whether any gift we sent would be classified as a foreign import, a domestic transfer, or the opening move in a constitutional negotiation. …
Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved.
“It’s been fun these past ten years or so. We had a blast inserting ourselves into your celebration. But the time has come for us to live our truths. And now…
“The game itself is basically the same. Sure, the goalposts have moved, there’s more passing, and science has shown that the sport causes brain damage, but a…
After years of having absolutely no parking, today Sound Transit’s Mount Baker Station celebrated the opening of its new one-of-a-kind one-stall Park and Ride to a Psychiatrist.
As if Seattle’s crazed socialist mayor hadn’t oppressed the city’s car drivers enough already with new bus-only lanes for her Route 8 stretch limo, today Mayor Katie Wilson reminded everyone that “trains-only” train tracks are for trains only, not cars.
After yet another week of hearing humans ask them to sink billionaire yachts for them, today local orca pods announced they’re getting a little sick and tired of being asked all the time to do humans’ dirty work for them.
“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete…
“This is a rare opportunity to shape our AI with your expertise and nuance so it can thrive in the space where it is most useful: the dorm room of a freshman…
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg surprised Seattle Tuesday night when the billionaire unexpectedly docked a massive, five-story annual salary of 1,400 laid-off Meta workers in Lake Union.
(Washington DC) As republican voters seem less eager to go to the polls, the White House has unveiled a plan to increase voter turn out for their base. “You get to vote,” exclaimed trump at a rally Thursday. “Republicans only. You get to decide who we attack next.”
“These days, if the president wants to get back at a political enemy, he just sics the DOJ on them without any pretense. Where’s the style? Where’s the panac…
After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.
Future Millionaires Tax payers panicked about how they’re ever going to afford their fifth home if they have to one day pay a 9% tax on all annual income over $1 million were assured today that all they have to do is cut back on a few lattes.
“I hardly ever do this. I have not, nor would I ever, wander this cavernous warehouse in search of free handouts. No, my breath stinks of chicken pot sticker…
(San Jose, CA) Artificial Intelligence developer Anthropic and related stocks are higher today, after the announcement AI systems will incorporate blockchain into their systems. “We know people used to really like the word blockchain,” said one PR specialist for Anthropic. “And since AI isn’t as exciting lately as we want, we’re adding that term to help increase our value… to America.”
(New York) As today’s court hearings were held for suspected shooter Luigi Mangioni in the case involving the death of a healthcare executive, an injury related to the case was reported at the prison where he is held. Three boxes of women’s underwear reportedly fell from a high shelf in the undergarments section of the warehouse housing items mailed to the defendant, causing “a mild concussion” to one of the guards in the area. Prosecutors say Mangioni may also be charged for the guard’s injuries in the trial.
This week a Seattle judge who ordered the man that threw a rock at an endangered monk seal return to Hawaii for court also ordered the general public to know this piece of shit is from Covington, not Seattle.
“For too long, the university has ignored the wisdom of the donor class and hired based on academic excellence. Regrettably, this has led to the underreprese…
“The vision for this spirit seems to dart in many different directions at once. At times, it gives distinct hits of cinnamon and cardamom. At others, it lean…
“Huck shows great disrespect for the Court’s precedent in Dred Scott when aiding the fugitive Jim, presumably due to liberal indoctrination by the Widow Doug…
After people across the nation shamed his neighborhood out of blocking helicopters carrying sick kids from landing at Seattle Children’s, today $18 million waterfront mansion owner Bill McDickerson said he just wishes there was some way to not live next to a noisy hospital.
To keep Laurelhurst residents from ever having to hear helicopters transporting sick kids directly to the hospital, today the entire community was airlifted to permanent safety one mile away from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington.
“I remind myself that my body is a collab between a divine being and a genomic sequence longer than a CVS receipt. It’s my right to wear a derriere doily.”
(Casa Grande, AZ) Tuesday, Doritos announced a new $25 million naming rights agreement with the US Department of War, regarding the next 60 day “official action” in the ongoing conflict with Iran. The deal includes naming rights, some limited merchandizing, and a special limited-time Doritos paint scheme for all B2 bombers involved in the war. President trump expressed his congratulations to the company on social media.
“But by the time we get to the end of this paragraph, you could have completed Intro to Microeconomics, Writing for College and the Real World, Bio 101, and …
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work.
“Dentist,” says Maya.
“Firefighter,” says Liam.
“Bus driver,”…
A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying kids in critical condition from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.
“For this focus group, conducted shortly before a sustained green glow began emanating from the station’s superlaser array, we spoke with residents who said …
“We want to reassure Americans that, while the war we’ve already won shows no signs of ending and oil prices remain over $100 a barrel, we are taking decisiv…
“In Louisiana, where Black people make up roughly a third of the population, the congressional maps were specifically drawn so that a third of the districts …
After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other, today the U.S. and Iran have reportedly agreed to an alternating weekly schedule of war/ceasefire.
Fury took over the city of Seattle this week after its “White Female Mamdani” mayor, Katie Wilson, was caught blowing precious taxpayer dollars on a giant, 60-foot-long personal limousine with its own dedicated lanes of traffic.
PeachPie 🍑
cannedtuna
CombatWombat
Sundray
jballs
ShaggySnacks
Midnight
CubitOom
negativenull
tal
heliotrope
nkat2112
Don't forget to stay hydrated.🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉
Aatube
